learning

Why do I write?

Hey guys, it has been on my mind about why I write. It is a very important question.

I write the most personal details of my memories, delusions, thoughts, and feelings. It isn’t easy to talk about.

I do this because I want someone like me to know that someone gets it. Who knows I can be a support even though I am not there in person.

I also do it so that people who love someone with mental health issues can have even a glimpse into what it is like to be in their mind.

Remember you are not alone. I am here for you. Happy Sunday to everyone. 😊

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divorced, joy, learning, mental illness, pain, People, Uncategorized, Work

My Challenge to Myself

I have always had this fear of being alone. I was so preoccupied with this and wondered why, why am I so afraid of this? As I dug deeper I realized, it is not the fear of being alone exactly, but more so my deep seated fear of failure.

Living with psychiatric disabilities, it is often difficult to make needed changes for what I call “growth edges.” Growth edges are things that you need to work on to be your best self. Upon learning that I have disabilities, I was relieved and also disappointed.

I knew I would be entitled to reasonable accommodations at my work, but the hardest part is telling people that it is because of psychiatric conditions. We all want to be accepted and with something that has to do with your mental health, many people, especially employers, will not understand. They will happily accommodate for people with physical disabilities because they can see them.

The fight for a better work environment is a challenge. I had three panic attacks today because I was worried about being judged. But so far it seems to be okay. It is hard to talk about my struggles, but the thought of my efforts making it easier for the next person that comes to be employed at my work. That brings me joy.

***

That was me writing back in October 2017! So long ago I was struggling with those issues. I no longer work at a usual establishment but opted for the challenge of being a blogger and selling skincare and makeup.

Since my accident, I have been dealing with my issues in different ways and thankfully overcoming my fear of being alone. I realized that I had so much to offer as company. I sing, dance, read, and write.

Enjoying nature is the best part of being on my own. I can calm my mind and get the focus that I need so I can accomplish my goals. I feel like it has taken forever for me to get to this point of comfort in being single and on my own.

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learning, mental illness, new blog, People, Uncategorized

With or Without

I go to work to relieve my stress. Being at home makes me more anxious. I like to keep moving otherwise I start to think. And anyone with mental health issues knows that thinking can be dangerous.

When I become anxious, depressed, or go into different states, it makes my friends feel sad because they want me to get better and not regress to old habits. I often wake up with bruises from grabbing my sides because of nightmares.

***

At least that was what I was like without medication. And medication did help for a while. But if you can’t work on what is bothering you on the inside then the medicine can only help you so much.

Since I had my accident I decided that medication was not where I wanted my health to depend on. It was tough but I weaned myself off of my Zoloft which was at 200mg! I got tired of my side effect of feeling sick when I would eat.

It did help to make me stable and less depressed. But after the withdrawals (which were horrendous!), I was amazed at my behavior. During this time you usually have a relapse of symptoms or worsening of your conditions.

My PTSD, Depression, OCD, and Borderline Personality Disorder came back in full force. I had been so numb for so many years that this was the first time truly noticing that I was awful and all over the place.

I cried so much, got aggressive, stand-offish, and manic feeling almost at times. I noticed that keeping in the company of dense people was a waste of time. From what I have researched online I am an empath.

I started to feel so much emotion that I haven’t felt in years. For so long I hardly felt any feelings good or bad. So this was exciting and terrifying at the same time. I was not a cold person by any means but I started to isolate.

Not isolate in a bad way but as a way to get space and to cry things out. It really does cleanse the soul. I found out that going on hikes is rejuvenating and relaxing. Spending time alone was great. Meeting quality friends was amazing.

I also rediscovered my old hobbies such as singing, writing, skincare, and makeup. I will be re-vamping another blog that I used to write on. I can’t tell you how insecure I was when I was writing that.

But now I realize that being perfect is not possible. I have to be happy about what I post and that matters most. Don’t feel like you need a 5 year plan for everything. Know what you need to do to start up on your dreams.

As for me I am getting a vocal coach for my birthday (in 13 days!) to pursue my love of singing. I need to get more confident in singing around people again. My 5 year old self was a born performer so I want to be like that again.

Making sure that my mental illnesses stay in check so I can have good friendships is my most important task as of late. For now and most likely always, I will blog on. I hope you are all having a wonderful day. 🙂

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learning, mental illness, new blog, non epileptic seizures, pain, People, Uncategorized

Lapse of Consciousness

Well guys, I apparently can’t tell which day is what. I didn’t end up posting the other day with my other post. But as promised I am writing about some things this summer.

My summer was going okay. I broke up with my boyfriend and I felt pretty upset about it but moved on after a couple weeks. Two months ago is when my world turned upside down.

About a week or two before I had my accident I was driving to my friend’s house and as I was beginning to drive there I realized that I could not remember how to get to his house! I was blown away by this as I reached for my phone to plug in his address.

I have lived in this town for almost 8 years and it all made no sense. I figured driving was not the best option for me after that. But another warning was that I felt like I had the worst sore throat.

I had a strong feeling that something bad was going to happen. So after much resistance I quit my job as a housekeeper and spent time with family and friends. I was doing okay.

Then that fateful day two months ago…I woke up with the worst aura. I just not just nauseous, but dizzy, and weak. I forced myself to get up. I felt my face heating up and the panic rising in my throat.

I told my roommate that I was not doing well. And that was all I remembered. Apparently in this haze I was talking and running around saying random words and being hysterical. I even took off my necklace that had dolphins on it. This was not normal.

And so it continues…

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groups, learning, mental illness, new blog

I need a blog mentor

Hey everyone,

I know it has been a while since I posted. But I have had so much going on this summer.

It has really been kicking my ass. I will write about this later today. I need to get serious about blogging because I truly love writing.

If anyone is interested in helping mentor me with making blogging a career that would be amazing!

Thank you in advance!

Uncategorized

Depression on mother’s day

I haven’t shared on here in a while. I have been in treatment for my mental illnesses. I felt like I was doing okay and then well mother’s day…

Mother’s day has always been bittersweet for me. You see I have a wonderful daughter Margie whom I love very much.

On the flip side, I get bombarded by wonderful and happy mother’s day posts where people say things about unconditional love and how their moms have been there for them.

They are sweet posts but each one with their pictures and cherished memories are like knives piercing my heart. I feel so jealous of everyone who gets a mom.

I always ask the universe why I couldn’t have a loving mom. Why did she have to abuse me? Why was I used and then thrown away like a piece of trash?

There will always be this void in my heart where a loving mother should be. I tried to drown it out yesterday by finding anyone to hang out. I realized something as I was driving.

I didn’t really want to hang out. I just wanted to drink and laugh away my sorrows. I just drove to the side of the road and cried.

This is why I don’t give a shit about working holidays. This is why I am hardly ever home. Home was always the dangerous place.

To me my mother is dead. However she is not. Mourning someone who isn’t dead seems worse. You always have that hope that they will love you. That they will change.

Then the sadness lies in that she will never change. She never will love me. And she is a toxic shedevil.

The one positive is that I know Margie will not have to get that shit from me. I was a total screw up but I realized it in time so I could get into treatment. I am glad I can do that for her. I wish my mother could have…

mental illness, Uncategorized

When your mental illness becomes your identity

I have thought about this for many years and oftentimes I believe this is the real reason I feared change. I was unstable, my moods were swinging from weepy, excited, scared, and angry all in one day at times.

I would dissociate so often that I hardly remember my life at all except for a few key flashbulb moments. I remember one time as I was feeling very alone and thought about doing something different with my life.

I did eventually go into therapy. I got on medication. I was at this strange moment where it felt like my depression had lifted and I felt good but, I felt this weird sense of emptiness inside.

I haven’t heard anyone talk about this stage where you are in treatment and the medication is working well and you are consistently challenging yourself. But you have this attachment to your mentally ill self. That has been your identity.

That is what you have been for so long. It feels wrong to change. And worst of all questions like: who am I and what do I enjoy become so hard to answer. You wonder: do I still enjoy singing and dancing? Do I still enjoy hiking or art? Do I like any of the things I used to?

This is something I challenge myself to answer each day. It is a reason that I am embarking on a new adventure. Moving to a new place with a good friend. I am moving without my boyfriend because I am going to find myself. I am going to get more confident and stronger than ever.

Most of all, I want girl friends I can hang out with. I have always been a bit of a loner so I would like to change that. 😛

New Year, pain, People, therapy

Happy New Year!

The new year can bring up so many emotions of joy, regret, loss, regaining, etc. This past year has been full of new experiences for me.

Firstly, I started last year with the love of my life, Tevin. He has challenged and encouraged me this past year.

He helped me to remember I love video games. He also helps challenge me to try some old hobbies also. Such as playing music, singing, and dancing.

It is funny and sad at the same time looking back remembering how I cried playing League of Legends! I felt so pathetic. It was supposed to be a fun time with friends and I ended up crying!!!

Honestly it is sad that I was so judged and criticized before that I couldn’t even enjoy a game. No one was judging me then but the old judgments of others flooded my mind.

I have made progress though. I can now laugh at my mistakes in games instead of crying. Thank gawd! And I also learned that…gasp…not everyone is amazing when they first start a game.

Some other positives are that I cook almost weekly now. I was too afraid to cook because my OCD and anxiety would make me take forever. And if I didn’t read the recipe over at least 10,000 times I would have a mini heart attack.

I still do take a while but I use this time to put love into what I am making and appreciate every step of the process. My best reward is seeing that Tevin and his mom enjoy having a home cooked meal. 😁😊

I have also gotten much better at cleaning the apartment. My room is a different story…😥 I am still trying ways to get my butt in gear for room cleaning and organizing on a regular basis. Maybe I need to post pictures on here for some motivation. Lol. You can see the cringe worthy images below. Eekk! Don’t mind my boyfriend’s foot. 😏

Lastly, I am going to start EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). I had never heard of this therapy before but it is exactly what I need. This form of therapy focuses more on the feelings and not so much the cognitive aspect. My trauma is so deeply entrenched that I can rationalize everything fine but my body still gets random pain and I still get triggered very abruptly. I will let all of you know how that goes.

I hope you all had a good year. Life is full of negative and positive. Some years it feels like there will never be a positive again. Hang in there.