I go to work to relieve my stress. Being at home makes me more anxious. I like to keep moving otherwise I start to think. And anyone with mental health issues knows that thinking can be dangerous.
When I become anxious, depressed, or go into different states, it makes my friends feel sad because they want me to get better and not regress to old habits. I often wake up with bruises from grabbing my sides because of nightmares.
At least that was what I was like without medication. And medication did help for a while. But if you can’t work on what is bothering you on the inside then the medicine can only help you so much.
Since I had my accident I decided that medication was not where I wanted my health to depend on. It was tough but I weaned myself off of my Zoloft which was at 200mg! I got tired of my side effect of feeling sick when I would eat.
It did help to make me stable and less depressed. But after the withdrawals (which were horrendous!), I was amazed at my behavior. During this time you usually have a relapse of symptoms or worsening of your conditions.
My PTSD, Depression, OCD, and Borderline Personality Disorder came back in full force. I had been so numb for so many years that this was the first time truly noticing that I was awful and all over the place.
I cried so much, got aggressive, stand-offish, and manic feeling almost at times. I noticed that keeping in the company of dense people was a waste of time. From what I have researched online I am an empath.
I started to feel so much emotion that I haven’t felt in years. For so long I hardly felt any feelings good or bad. So this was exciting and terrifying at the same time. I was not a cold person by any means but I started to isolate.
Not isolate in a bad way but as a way to get space and to cry things out. It really does cleanse the soul. I found out that going on hikes is rejuvenating and relaxing. Spending time alone was great. Meeting quality friends was amazing.
I also rediscovered my old hobbies such as singing, writing, skincare, and makeup. I will be re-vamping another blog that I used to write on. I can’t tell you how insecure I was when I was writing that.
But now I realize that being perfect is not possible. I have to be happy about what I post and that matters most. Don’t feel like you need a 5 year plan for everything. Know what you need to do to start up on your dreams.
As for me I am getting a vocal coach for my birthday (in 13 days!) to pursue my love of singing. I need to get more confident in singing around people again. My 5 year old self was a born performer so I want to be like that again.
Making sure that my mental illnesses stay in check so I can have good friendships is my most important task as of late. For now and most likely always, I will blog on. I hope you are all having a wonderful day. 🙂
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