Last night, and yesterday, I fought going to the group. It reminded me of when I was forced to go to anger management and the like two years ago. Sometimes you get tired of fighting, you get tired of having to work on your problems.
My boyfriend pointed out that I have gotten so good at pretending to be happy instead of facing my true feelings. Even if there are no feelings anymore. I feel like a broken vessel that allows the happiness to dissipate. I cannot hold onto it for more than an hour or two.
I did end up going to the group. I am 10 days sober from my sex addiction. I need to also work on my compulsive spending addiction. I spent $500 on a game. It is crazy to think that I used all that money and I still spent more money yesterday on the same game!
Without the compulsive spending and sex addiction, I am just empty with no excitement. All my senses are dulled. But for the first time going to the group, I didn’t feel like I was a freak. Like I wasn’t good enough. It was my place where I belonged.
I am adding this picture of myself. Sometimes it is hard to look at yourself when you are depressed and feel like there is nothing to go on for. I just want you to know, I get it. You don’t have to be happy all the time. Shit happened to you. Other people made decisions that caused you to be like this now.
But the hard truth for us is that those people don’t need to have that power over us anymore. We have to make the decisions now to better our lives. I know this will pass. This soul sucking feeling will leave.
I have to decide what happens to me now. Feel free to share your experiences with groups in the comments.
Broke And Millennial 
When I first began participating in my group, I found it really difficult hearing all the pain. It overwhelmed me. And being in so much pain myself, I remained quiet for several weeks. I would cry after group, but the leader was amazing and had a wonderful way of calming my spirit. I wanted to quit group, my husband gave me permission, and yet, I was drawn to it over and over again even though it took weeks before my heart settled into it. I am so grateful that I didn’t give up. Group and the people I have met through group, have been instrumental and a huge blessing in my healing and growth. Now I often lead the group when the facilitator needs assistance!
Yesterday I had a really rough day fighting the emotional and mental attacks and didn’t want to call in to my group (this one is a teleconference group) last night because I was edgy and teary. I have been strong and doing well for quite some time, and didn’t want to show my weakness and failure(?!) to the group. But I knew I needed the love and support so I called. And I cried through my check in, and it was okay. It was actually more than okay. Group is a safe place to show our vulnerability and authenticity. Joy on the good days and tears on the not so good. It is all welcome. Real people being real together.
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